Funny Quotes

Comedy has a way of making us know that we are all experiencing same things in this crazy world, if it’s an expression of play, a funny speak on common matters, or an old witty saying. You’re going to be saying, “So true!” to these funny quotes about work, love, friends, and family because, well, they are. Others will make you remember about interesting, famous TV and film scenes.

Enjoy taking a break from your day and enjoy these 101 funny quotes from stand-up comedy, plays, novels, TV series, movies, and celebrity talks. It’s sure to make you smile.

Best Funny Quotes

1. “I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.”
2. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
3. “I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
4. “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.”
5. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
6. “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.”
7. “I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”
8. “I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.”
9. “I’m not addicted to chocolate, we’re just in a committed relationship.”
10. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
11. “I’m not old, I’m a classic.”
12. “I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person.”
13. “I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor needed a hug.”
14. “I’m not a chef, but I can microwave like a pro.”
15. “I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.”
16. “I’m not late, everyone else is just early.”
17. “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”
18. “I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.”
19. “I’m not messy, I’m creatively organized.”
20. “I’m not forgetful, I’m just too busy remembering other things.”
21. “I’m not ignoring you. I’m just prioritizing my attention.”
22. “I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.”
23. “I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.”
24. “I’m not shy, I’m just plotting your demise quietly.”
25. “I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a first-name basis with the floor.”
26. “I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social.”
27. “I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”
28. “I’m not late, I’m fashionably early for the next event.”
29. “I’m not stubborn, my way is just better.”
30. “I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged.”
31. “I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.”
32. “I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with gravity.”
33. “I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes, I’m sleeping.”
34. “I’m not a troublemaker, I just find ways to make things interesting.”
35. “I’m not old, I’m just retro.”
36. “I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.”
37. “I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than you.”
38. “I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee enthusiast.”
39. “I’m not disorganized, I’m creatively flexible.”
40. “I’m not messy, I’m just living in organized chaos.”
41. “I’m not ignoring you, I’m just giving you time to reflect on your mistakes.”
42. “I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just on a different timeline.”
43. “I’m not boring, I’m just conserving my energy for more important things.”
44. “I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravitationally challenged.”
45. “I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.”
46. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
47. “I’m not old, I’m a classic.”
48. “I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person.”

Short Funny Quotes

1. “I’m not lazy, just buffering.”
2. “Brains are awesome. I wish everyone had one.”
3. “I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.”
4. “I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.”
5. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.”
6. “I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.”
7. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
8. “I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.”
9. “I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.”
10. “I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”
11. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
12. “I’m not old, I’m just retro.”
13. “I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee enthusiast.”
14. “I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing my time.”
15. “I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a first-name basis with the floor.”
16. “I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.”
17. “I’m not shy, I’m just plotting your demise quietly.”
18. “I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.”
19. “I’m not messy, I’m just living in organized chaos.”
20. “I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social.”
21. “I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person.”
22. “I’m not forgetful, I’m just too busy remembering other things.”
23. “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
24. “I’m not a morning person, I’m a not-a-morning-person person.”
25. “I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.”
26. “I’m not old, I’m a classic.”
27. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
28. “I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.”
29. “I’m not short, I’m just vertically challenged.”
30. “I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.”
31. “I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee enthusiast.”
32. “I’m not ignoring you, I’m just giving you time to reflect on your mistakes.”
33. “I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just on a different timeline.”
34. “I’m not boring, I’m just conserving my energy for more important things.”
35. “I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravitationally challenged.”
36. “I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.”
37. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
38. “I’m not old, I’m a classic.”
39. “I’m not a morning person. I’m a coffee person.”
40. “I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.”
41. “I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with gravity.”
42. “I’m not always sarcastic. Sometimes, I’m sleeping.”
43. “I’m not a troublemaker, I just find ways to make things interesting.”

Hilarious Funny Quotes

1. I asked my dog for advice, but all he said was, “Bark.”
2. I told my computer I needed a break, but it just froze.
3. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
4. My bed and I have a special relationship. We’re perfect for each other—I love sleep, and it loves me back.
5. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
6. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
7. I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough.
8. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
9. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
10. I’m not lazy; I’m just on my energy-saving mode.
11. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
12. My friend says I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
13. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
14. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
15. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
16. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands and fingers.
17. I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on. Then it just clicked.
18. My wife told me I should embrace my mistakes. So I hugged her.
19. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands and fingers.
20. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
21. I told my computer I needed a break, but it just froze.
22. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
23. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
24. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
25. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
26. I’m friends with all electricians. We have such a positive connection.
27. I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough.
28. I told my computer I needed a break, but it just froze.
29. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
30. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
31. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
32. My bed and I have a special relationship. We’re perfect for each other—I love sleep, and it loves me back.
33. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
34. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
35. I’m not lazy; I’m just on my energy-saving mode.
36. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
37. My friend says I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
38. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
39. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
40. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.

Clean Funny Quotes

1. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
2. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me.
3. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
4. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
5. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
6. I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough.
7. I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
8. My dog thinks I’m a great magician. I make food disappear every day.
9. I’m not lazy; I’m just on my energy-saving mode.
10. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
11. My bed and I have a special relationship. We’re perfect for each other—I love sleep, and it loves me back.
12. I told my computer I needed a break, but it just froze.
13. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
14. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
15. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
16. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
17. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands and fingers.
18. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
19. I asked my dog for advice, but all he said was, “Bark.”
20. My friend says I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
21. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
22. I’m friends with all electricians. We have such a positive connection.
23. I asked my dog for advice, but all he said was, “Bark.”
24. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
25. I told my computer I needed a break, but it just froze.
26. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
27. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
28. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
29. I’m friends with all electricians. We have such a positive connection.
30. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me.

 Playful Funny Quotes

1. I tried to take a day off from being awesome, but it was too hard.
2. I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me, and gravity is a bully.
3. If I were a cat, I’d spend all my nine lives napping.
4. My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, “Sure, make me the queen.”
5. I’m not lazy; I’m in energy-saving mode.
6. My bed and I have a love-hate relationship. We love each other at night, but it’s a struggle every morning.
7. I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.
8. I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough, but now I’m just rolling with it.
9. I told my computer I needed a break, but it just froze. Clearly, it needs a vacation too.
10. My plants always die because they know I once dated a cactus and broke its heart.
11. I’m not addicted to chocolate. We’re just in a committed relationship.
12. My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.
13. I’m not a morning person or a night owl. I’m a perpetually exhausted pigeon.
14. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
15. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. I think she misunderstood.
16. My dog is my therapist. He listens without judgment, and treats are his copay.
17. I asked my dog for advice, but all he said was, “Bark.” I think I need a new therapist.
18. I’m not clumsy; the floor just likes to surprise me with random obstacles.
19. My bed and I have a special relationship. We’re perfect for each other—I love sleep, and it loves me back.
20. I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-saving mode.

Naughty Funny Quotes

1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised, unlike her eyebrows.
2. My bed and I have a special relationship. We’re perfect for each other—I love sleep, and it loves me back. Unlike my ex.
3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired, just like my jokes.
4. I’m not lazy; I’m just on my energy-saving mode. Laziness is just my disguise.
5. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. But not too hard; it’s already sore from dancing.
6. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. Unlike my ex’s love letters.
7. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! I’m still waiting for my award for outstanding napping.
8. I asked my dog for advice, but all he said was, “Bark.” Clearly, he’s in on the secret squirrel meetings.
9. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends. One for each mood.
10. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! It’s not the only one getting undressed around here.
11. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands and fingers. My ears are reserved for listening to juicy gossip.
12. I told my computer I needed a break, but it just froze. I guess it’s taking its revenge for all those late-night Netflix binges.
13. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems. It should try therapy like the rest of us.
14. I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right. It’s not my fault if others can’t keep up with my genius.
15. My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, “Sure, make me the queen.” Royalty comes with dental benefits, right?
16. I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me, and gravity is a bully. I’m just engaging in a friendly wrestling match with the laws of physics.
17. I’m not a morning person or a night owl. I’m a perpetually exhausted pigeon. Coffee is my only hope for flight.
18. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. I think she misunderstood. Or maybe I did.
19. I used to be a baker because I kneaded dough. Now I just knead a good massage.
20. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. Now I have a collection of hugs labeled “mistakes.”
21. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Just like my excuses.
22. I’m friends with all electricians. We have such a positive connection. Sparks fly when we meet.
23. I asked my dog for advice, but all he said was, “Bark.” Clearly, he’s in on the secret squirrel meetings.
24. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. Time flies when you’re having too much fun.
25. I told my computer I needed a break, but it just froze. I guess it’s taking its revenge for all those late-night Netflix binges.
26. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends. One for each mood.
27. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! It’s not the only one getting undressed around here.
28. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands and fingers. My ears are reserved for listening to juicy gossip.
29. I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right. It’s not my fault if others can’t keep up with my genius.

Cute Funny Quotes

1. If cats could talk, they’d probably just ask for more snacks and nap time.
2. I’m not lazy; I’m just on standby for cuteness emergencies.
3. My dog thinks my singing is a masterpiece. Clearly, he has a unique taste in music.
4. I asked my cat for relationship advice. He knocked a plant off the shelf, so I guess it’s over.
5. Why did the bunny go to therapy? It had too many hop issues.
6. My plants are my therapists. They’re great listeners, especially when I talk to them about my love life.
7. If laughter is the best medicine, then my pet hedgehog is my personal pharmacist.
8. My cat believes he’s the boss of the house. I haven’t had the heart to tell him he’s just the CEO of napping.
9. I tried to be a morning person, but my bed and I had a serious talk, and we decided it’s just not for us.
10. My dog is my fitness trainer. He motivates me with his “Let’s go for a walk” stare until I grab the leash.
11. I’m not clumsy; I’m just a ninja testing the alertness of the furniture.
12. I asked my goldfish for life advice. It just swam around in circles. I guess it’s as lost as I am.
13. If I were a cat, I’d spend all my nine lives napping. And maybe chasing a laser pointer or two.
14. My dog is my financial advisor. He suggests investing in treats and belly rubs for maximum happiness.
15. I tried to take a day off from being awesome, but my cat gave me a motivational speech about my greatness.
16. I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right. My cat agrees; it’s a purrfect explanation.
17. My plants always die because they know I once dated a cactus and broke its heart. Love hurts, even for succulents.
18. I’m not addicted to chocolate. We’re just in a committed relationship. My cat approves of this sweet love affair.
19. My bed and I have a love-hate relationship. We love each other at night, but it’s a struggle every morning.
20. I asked my dog for advice, but all he said was, “Bark.” Maybe I need to brush up on my canine language skills.